Fulfillment by Amazon (FBA) is where Amazon stores, picks, packs, and ships your products straight to customers.
Sounds pretty good on paper:
Amazon big. Amazon trusted. Ooga booga.
So why not partner up? Do ecom without all the annoying ecom-y stuff?
Right? Right.
So when some FBA guru promises you six figures in 60 days with a “simple three-step system,” you jump at the chance like a tweaker over a pharmacy counter.
After all, the course was only $7k.
With the $1,500 you have left in savings plus the $2,000 still open on your Chase Freedom card, you should have plenty of runway to launch with.
And since $10k months are right around the corner, you’ll be back to even in no time, you tell yourself.
BAHAHAHA.
You’re adorable. Here, want me to chew your food for you and feed you like a baby bird?
I think it’s time for me to expose this pothole-filled shortcut to disappointment.
Here’s my roast.
Amazon FBA
- After investing in inventory, branding, photography, software, tools, and ads, you’ll have a net worth of shame and shrapnel sitting in your wallet.
- Fulfilled by Amazon, homeless by Sunday.
- Hey stupid, drop and do push-ups while Bezos flicks nickels at your back.
- You could pull a hammy just thinking about all that competition.
- “They can take the customer data, but they can’t take my crippling sadness, goddammit!”
- It’s been said that every time Jeff gets a TRT injection, an angel gets her cheeks clapped and a seller gets suspended.
- Amazon’s fine print should just be five words: Fuck around and find out.
- Jeff’s hand is on the holster, like, “Ooh, I wish a seller would.”
- ‘Memba when Lauren Sanchez turned into a puddle in front of Leonardo DiCaprio? So does Jeff. And someone has to pay for that. Spoiler: that someone is you.
- Amazon thinks of their sellers every time they… NEVER. They never think of their sellers.
- Cheer up: After your Amazon FBA biz bankrupts you, you can always get a job at Subway, sell plasma once a week, and eventually get hooked on painkillers.
- Amazon FBA is a buffet of fees, and Jeff’s new bitch is ready to chow.
- Amazon FBA: Hey, it’s better than selling used underwear on OnlyFans.
- Jeff’s the type to dress in all black, with sunglasses, and watch your funeral from a distance while holding an umbrella.
Sorry, but I’ve done enough Amazon FBA course reviews to know better.
If I wanted to work for free and be emotionally destroyed, I’d just date a SoundCloud rapper. At least that ends the same: me crying into a Big Gulp in a Dollar General parking lot.
